As my hair continues to grow out, I find myself more often looking in a mirror and liking what I see.

I’ve never really cared much for how I looked before. I disliked having my photo taken. At the same time, I never felt like I harbored much dysphoria regarding my appearance. It was more of an… indifference. I now know that this indifference was likely some degree of depersonalization, which is a detachment from oneself. This, in itself, is a form of dysphoria.

It’s common for trans people to feel a lack of dysphoric feelings, which leads to us thinking we’re either not trans, or not “trans enough”. It’s a common enough experience that frequently people will say, “you don’t need to feel dysphoria to be trans.” This is true, but it’s a simplification, I think.

Dysphoria is hard to identify, because oftentimes it’s deeply internalized. Things seem normal because that’s all we’ve ever known. It takes deliberate questioning and exploration to identify these parts of ourselves. One way is when we feel euphoria, perhaps while experimenting with a presentation that better aligns with our gender identity. Euphoria is sometimes an easier emotion to identify, compared to dysphoria.

But euphoria and dysphoria are just two sides of the same coin. If we feel euphoric about something, that means that there was some underlying sense of dysphoria that the euphoria is alleviating.

Anyway, back to me in the mirror. I feel euphoric about my appearance in a way that I never did before. It feels like I finally have an attachment to myself. I’m more motivated to perform self-care. I have a skincare routine now. I try to keep my hair healthy. I’m motivated to exercise. In short, for the first time in a very, very long time, I actually love myself.

I especially like how I look reflected by the tinted windows in my room at night. The reflection isn’t clear enough to resolve minute details, so all I can make out is a vague feminine silhouette, masculine features softened by shadows. It’s a version of me that feels me.