I recently rewatched the Matrix, this time with the knowledge that the Wachowski sisters were closeted during the film’s production. Watching the movie through that lens, while also being much more gender literate, was eye-opening. There are some rather obvious allusions towards trans identities that went over my head on my first several watches during my childhood.

A splinter

What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life, that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad.

- Morpheus

This quote is just too obvious to not have been intentional by the Wachowski sisters, referring to the struggle of existing as a trans person in a cisnormative society.

When I think about it, my first impression is that I never felt like there was something wrong with the world. Instead, I felt like there was something wrong with me.

Even during my childhood, I had a desire to dress up in feminine clothes. Back in primary school, I would arrive at the ungodly hour of 6am each day. The school would be empty, save for the janitor. One day I found a bag containing a girl’s school uniform, likely misplaced the previous day. I furtively took it with me into a toilet and put it on. I was too young back then to realize it, but this was one of my first experiences with gender euphoria. I contemplated taking the uniform back home with me, but fear and disgust won out, so I replaced it where I found it. I returned later that day and the bag was gone.

My experiments with dressing femininely continued in secret for another two decades. I felt like a deviant for having these urges. It felt like society would persecute me, brand me as a pervert, a weirdo, someone to turn their children away from. It felt like I was broken.

But it’s a matter of perspective, isn’t it? Our perception of ourselves is shaped by how the world perceives us. There was nothing wrong with a boy experimenting with their gender expression. That he felt good doing so should have been celebrated and encouraged, not demonized. Instead, the system works by punishing any deviation from the norm. It makes individuals question themselves rather than the system itself.

There was nothing wrong with that 10 year old boy from my past. I wish I could go back and tell him that. It’s the world that’s fucked.

So yes, I have, in fact, felt it my entire life, even if I’ve only recently acquired the vocabulary and framework to make sense of that feeling.

The metaphor of a “splinter in your mind, driving you mad” resonates with me. It’s such an apt description. It’s an annoyance, a distraction, small, but one that seemingly could be ignored. And for some, perhaps it can. Many trans people live with this splinter all their lives. For others, it becomes too painful to.

The deeper I go into exploring my gender, the more aware I become of this splinter, and the greater the drive I feel to get it out.

Comfort over authenticity?

I find myself with a choice. Now that I’ve gained awareness of my trans identity, what do I do? I can look to the future with optimism and take steps towards living authentically… Or I can be like Cypher, who would prefer to retreat into the Matrix, living in comfort and blissful ignorance.

I see Cypher as representing the segment of people who explore their gender and gain clarity about their authentic selves, yet choose to return to performing their assigned gender role, despite knowing it’s a performance. Perhaps they do so because the social costs, career implications, and other challenges of transition are too overwhelming. In a society where being openly trans can have a very real negative impact on one’s life, to make such a decision is understandable.

But unlike in the movie with Cypher, there isn’t a Matrix for me to retreat to even if I wanted to. There is no unlearning this fact about myself. To deny it would simply be to kick the bucket down the road. How long before the dysphoria becomes unbearable? A year? Ten? Twenty? Would I find myself on my deathbed, filled with regret at having lived a life behind a mask?

Hell no

I’m going to embrace my identity, in whatever I identify as now and whatever form it may take tomorrow. I’m going to live the rest of my life proudly and with authenticity. Perhaps that’ll involve some form of transition; social or medical or something else. Whatever form it takes, there’s one thing I’m certain about.

I’m done hiding.